MATTERS OF INTEREST: The Great Saurian Menace

Fantastically, it is time for yet another MATTERS OF INTEREST. In a state of manic hypoxia, I am Matters.

Friends, devoted and/or apathetic readers, me (if I'm reading this later), and fellow mammals, this installment of MATTERS OF INTEREST is not the typical capricious frolic through the neither-realms of science, nature, and the universe that you have grown to so complacently expect. I shall make every effort to refrain from over stating the importance of my message, but the next few paragraphs will definitely save your life. If you stop reading now you are certainly doomed to suffer a tragically-avoidable, yet pedagogically-gruesome death. Your instructively-awful demise will coerce future generations to embrace the heavy hand of SCIENCE.

What is this four-part tragi-comedy, artfully presented in a five act burlesque of photoshop detritus? I refer, of course, to THE GREAT SAURIAN MENACE (see red arrow).

Mammal-kind, since the dawn of time, has made what scholars agree is a Faustian bargain with the previous inhabitants of this planet, known as Dinosaurs. The compromise itself is as ancient as it is complicated, and understanding its explanation entails a deep understanding of prehistoric law - a discussion we will not entertain this week.

But today, that compromise, so crucial to our survival as a phylum, is on the brink of collapse. For those familiar with the plight of Faust, it may alarm you to know that some mammals, over the past few million years, have exhibited an increasing incidence of spontaneous antler growth. Is it the retribution of the great lizard-Satan, and a sure sign of the impending apocalypse? Or merely the latest in trendy evolutionary extravagance from the Holocene Epoch? The issue remains healthily debated.

One fact is certain. Mammals are the good guys. Mammals have, throughout history, been largely civil creatures. Except for a few regrettable incidents, such as the savage mauling and subsequent savage digestion of this innocent giant land slothe (now extinct), we have cooperated with one another, and harmony has reigned.

In contrast, the terrible lizards of yore were ruthless and cruel. Dinosaurs are shifty and untrustworthy. Modern science tells us that Dinosaurs did not have the ability to formulate strategic action plans, or monogram their socks. They were uncivilized and lazy, not having bothered to develop opposable thumbs. Their deadly razor sharp claws prevented them from manipulating even the most rudimentary of tools, and their walnut sized brains made Dinosaurs awful cooks, and worse company.

Anecdotal evidence, the most rock-solid of all types of evidence, will support the assertions I have just made. Early texts describe the first arrival of mammals to the planet. Dinosaurs, in a duplicitous show of faux-hospitality, invited the early mammals to a pot-luck supper. Few details remain from this era, however, we can be sure that the Dinosaurs offered a vile "tar casserole," made from the carrion meat of week-dead pterodactyl, and that the ensuing blood bath would strain future relations between the Dinosaurs and the newly formed mammals.

In those days, Dinosaurs were more genetically advanced than their mammalian counterparts. This lead to terrible and humiliating defeats on the court. As inhabitants of the future, we are free to understand that if you're going to play a Velociraptor in basket ball, it should not be attempted on a unicycle.

The temptation to believe that "everything will be fine" is strong. "Facts" tell us that Dinosaurs are extinct, and that zombie Dinosaurs are a modern rarity. However, just because our reptilian overlords are confined to museums, deserts, and the molten core of the earth, we cannot yield to complacency. Even now, Dinosaurs strive to corrupt our youth and murder our paleontologists, as the photo-evidence clearly shows.

The following images contain content that some readers may find disturbing in nature. I feel obligated to remind you, however, that if you decide to stop reading now, you will likely fall victim to a Dinosaur. Here we see that even long dead and skeletalized, Dinosaurs have the audacity to pedal drugs to museum-going children in broad daylight.

The second photo shows us that Dinosaurs yet retain the savage power to kill. This image documents a "bone eruption" at an excavation in the American Southwest. Seven talented paleontologists and an intern lost their lives in this tragedy.

The enmity displayed in such senseless killing of academics only serves to illustrate the innate disdain for life inherent in all Dinosaurs.

What should you remember to avoid being victimized?

• Stay indoors when Dinosaur activity is forecast to be high.
• Write your congressman. Ask him to address the Great Saurian Menace through effective legislation.
• Look out for Bone Eruptions if you are traveling to fossil rich areas.
• Tuck your pants into your socks if you will be hiking in the forest. You may look foolish, but Lyme disease is no laughing matter.
• If playing sports with a Dinosaur (or any cadre of deadly beasts) avoid the use of a Unicycle.
• Finally, if you do find yourself being eaten by a Dinosaur, remember to present your mewling pleas to him in a language he can understand, such as FORTRAN or COBOL.

It is my hope that this manuscript will serve you well. If it does not, please entomb your complaints in the bowels of the earth to allow the fossilization process to occur. The process may take six to eight weeks to complete, depending on the depth of the hole and acidity of the soil in your area.

~Matters