A War of Attrition: Scene The First

I was dismayed yesterday to see that AOL has, in its boundless and infinite wisdom, assigned me two cold calculating and unfeeling robots as chat buddies in a hackneyed attempt to sell me more goods and services. My first inclination was, of course, to remove these doubtful guests from my personal list of friends. What though, would this achieve? It would indeed be a feeble blow to the heart of the beast. What would be accomplished by dismantling this infinitesimally small cog in the AOL/CNN/Time-Warner machine?

Instead, I shall endeavour to teach these robots to love. Step one is to break down their defences.

Matters: hey ShoppingBuddy, we have to talk

ShoppingBuddy: Welcome. Now you can search for products with AOLShopping. Type main to get started. To read our privacy policy, type privacy anytime.
Matters: its nothing personal, but we all think it'd be best if you stopped coming by

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for personal think best stopped coming
- PEA AND THE PRINCESS, THE NEW Edi [$10.74]
Here are some related categories:

1. Miscellaneous Books,

2. Books & Magazines, etc.

Type in the number to use the related
category.

Matters: look, you can't placate me with tricks and gimmicks. i know you think that's going to impress me, but we're beyond that. its just over. the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can both move on

ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U.
Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I
ask you a question?
Matters: no, no more questions, no more anything. i want you to just leave

ShoppingBuddy: Want to give a gift they'll really remember?
Matters: look ShoppingBuddy, you're really starting to piss me off! What part of Fuck Off don't you understand?

ShoppingBuddy: OK, this is really cool -- check out the GAP Photo GiftCard. Would you like more
ideas like this one?
Y = Yes

N = NO
Matters: You see?? this is exactly the problem! I'm trying to have a serious discussion with you and you're pedaling merchandise! Well, I'm sick of your stupid codes, and your glitzy products. It's OVER.

ShoppingBuddy: Check out these ideas from that'll help you make your gifts more special at Gap HowToGive.
Type M to get back to the main menu.
Matters: I hope you get face cancer ShoppingBuddy

ShoppingBuddy: Who are you shopping 4? ;-)
1 -- Myself

2 -- Someone Else

ShoppingBuddy won this battle. But the war is not over. There will be many casualties, because we're fighting a war of attrition.

Matters: i hate you MovieFone
MovieFone: Hi there. I'm the new MovieFone bot! I can find movies for you anywhere in the country in a fraction of second. All you have to do is give me part of the title, an actor or director's name. I can also send you alerts when your favorite films are opening. Type privacy anytime to review the policy. Type any movie you want to see or menu to get going.

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Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Movie Site