"If You Had a Spaceship...": A Guide to 8minute Dating

Dear avid readers, I have recently realized that although my previous articles have been comical, or perhaps amusing at best, they provide nothing of worth to you, the readers, that we love so dearly. With this in mind, and the weight of my obligation to inform society, and Matters, I bring to you my guide to 8minute Dating.

Our good friend Woody stumbled across 8 minute dating (8md) quite some weeks ago, and expressed his interest to us via electronic mail. He further requested that we attend an upcoming event to be held at the Fire & Ice restaurant in Boston. Amiably, Adam and I agreed, and the three of us registered for the event, upon which we were told that we would be put on a waiting list, until a gender-balanced attendance could be confirmed. After several days of waiting by the proverbial mailbox, we received notification of our acceptance onto the elite list of members who would be allowed to attend this auspicious event.

Danielle, Alix and Sonia came too.

The guide to 8md begins before you even get in the car.

Step 1: Dress Gay/Metro

This rule applies unless you are in fact gay or metrosexual, in which case you may consider dressing down. Adam, stubbornly, wanted to wear his baggy-ass jeans and his lucky red shirt. Woody and I protested...this was completely unacceptable. Not because it made him look even more like a farmboy, but more because he would be a bad reflection on us. After several hours of verbal abuse that eventually turned physical (Adam lost a few pints of blood. Ask him), he agreed to wear black pants, and borrowed my fancy black shoes, as opposed to his blue-collar work shoes.

Silly blue-colored folk. Those smurfin' idiots don't know what's smurfin' good for them.

Step 2: Arrive Early

This step is crucial to your success with 8md. Why? Arriving early allows you to do several opportunities. Once you have checked in, you are provided a card with your table assignments for the eight 8 minute dates you are about to have. Review this card carefully. If possible, sneak a peek at other peoples cards and consider dates you may want to avoid. Furthermore, move every table you will be seated at closer to the bar.

Which brings me to your next advantage of arriving early. Drink. Drink as much as you can. Your initial thinking may be that you want to stay sober, and keep your breath fresh for your dates. You learn quickly however that no one has fresh breath after munching on the garlic meatball hors d'oeuvres, and feigning an interest in pancreatic cell synthesis is much easier when you're plastered. Forget the puny bottles, go for the 20 oz. drafts. And keep going.

Step 3: Practice Your Pitch

I hear you saying, "What pitch? It's me, of course I know what I'm going to say about me. How hard can it be?" Oh, my naive little friends. You have already assumed too much. This brings me to the next step:

Step 4: Lie
Through your teeth. Observe the following scenarios.

BAD
Henry: Hey, how's it going?
Girl: Good, good, how about you?
Henry: Yeah, I'm alright.
Girl: So, what do you do?
Henry: Oh I work at a software company designing order management software...
Girl: Oh my father did that. I killed him.

Note how things turn disastrous when you tell the truth. Let's see how it should be done.

GOOD
Henry: Hey, how's it going?
Girl: Good, good, how about you?
Henry: Yeah, I'm alright.
Girl: So, what do you do?
Henry: Oh I'm Brad Pitt.
Girl: Please insert yourself.

I can't stress the importance of this step enough. Let's move on.

Step 5: Avoid Eye Contact...
...with everyone but your date. Doing so will help you avoid awkward conversations.

Henry: Yeah, so whereabouts are you from?
Girl: Well originally Indiana, but now I...what are you looking at?
Henry: Oh my god, this is so embarassing.
Girl: What? Whats wrong?
Henry: I've got this thing about looking and talking to fat people at the same time...

Awkward.

Step 6: Cut The Crap
Come on, let's face it. You've got 8 minutes. Find out what you really want to know.

Bad questions:
Where did you grow up?
What kind of work do you do?
What do you do for fun?
Whats your favourite ____?
What are your needs?

Good questions:
Do you like cooking? For me?
How do you feel about porn?
Do you trim the hedges, or mow the lawn?
Do you do...
...blowjobs?
...anal?
...fisting?
...anal fisting?
...threesomes?
...DVDA? (Consult a perverted friend)
...windows?
...small pets?

That concludes the learning part of this program. If you follow these few simple rules, I guarantee you will succeed at 8md. Take Woody for example, who earned big points with Trisha (names have been changed to protect the identities of the inviduals involved):

"Oh Woody is just the best. I could tell I wanted him since I saw him passed out on the barstool in his pink feathered boa and chaps. I love a guy who can get straight to the point, though I'm worried I don't have enough...experience....I've only been to three orgies! And what can I say....I guess I've always had a thing for British secret agents...."

Bravo Woody. Bravo.