This installment broaches a subject 8 to 14 inches from all our hearts: The Human Brain. Down through the ages of man and beast, philosophers have pontificated upon the majesty and miracle of the mind of man. Beasts have lapped up its gooey remains after cracking through our deficient skulls. Both have appreciated its good aspects to the full possible extent. Unfortunately, The Human Brain is also the source of nearly every species-shaming idea that has ever been or shall be. Every stupid, half-assed, or ill-conceived thought since the dawn of creation can be attributed to The Human Brain, with the notable exception of the Unicycle. The Unicycle was invented by a bear. Stupid bear! It's got only one wheel.
For the purposes of illustration, I have gone to the trouble of obtaining an image of my brain, which, scientists assure me, is practically human in nature.
This image, and some others with my top off that I won't post on the internet, were taken during a medical experiment for which I volunteered some years ago. The suckers paid me $50, and there were no lasting effects lasting effects. Two important regions are indicated in the image above, and I will explain these in due time.
Now, The Human Brain, being filled with scrumptious brain goo (neurotransmitters, deoxyribonucleic acid, monosodium glutamate, high fructose corn syrup) is immediately tempted to do the following:
But I assure you, this tendency is stupid. What does it even mean? Am I really storing miniature hamburgers in my sinuses? No one has an adequate answer.
The other immediate temptation is to create some kind of Warhol-esque modern art travesty: 
It could be used to advertise for a brain surgery clinic run by artists, or to burn the retinas out of the eye sockets of attacking coyotes. Whatever the motivation, it too is assuredly stupid, and a mockery of all things good and descent.
Other stupid acts that belay the vast reserves of dumb contained within The Human Brain include:
- editing the above picture to fictitiously insert images of genetalia into the mouth, or
- using the brain image as a mechanism to describe the quality of a motion picture in a "movie review and a meal" format column.
For perspective, let's examine some other key stupid ideas throughout history, and take a moment to briefly debunk the ignorance that contributed to their inception.
- Screen Door Submarine: Ha, silly Pollaks.
- Phrenology: If you know what this is, you know why its stupid.
- The Narwhal: Ok, I am well aware that this is not a result of The Human Brain, but come on, what is this thing? A Sea Unicorn? Give me a break. Keep them out of our communities, I say.
- Intelligent Design: Dress up some bible passages in fancy Scientronomy and Researchology terms to skirt the Separation Clause, and all of a sudden you have an alternate theory? Well answer me this yokel (that's right, I called you a yokel) if your omniscient intelligent designer was so worried about creating a world that merely seemed old (dinosaurs, radio-carbon dating, speed dating, Dick Clark) in order to conceal his existence, why would he have created proponents of intelligent design to reveal it? Hmm?? OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND.
- Republicans: I don't want to be a racist, but hey...
How, you ask, can I give such poignantly reasoned arguments in the face of such overwhelming stupidity? Well, if you will refer to the diagram at the beginning of this page, the red arrow indicates the region of the brain responsible for belief in stupid crap. You will see that it is conspicuously missing from my brain scan. Unfortunately, the green arrow indicates the region of the brain that makes one's personality repulsive to the ladies. Even a walrus in a doctor suit could tell you that its well developed (that's how it happened to me).
It is my personal and heartfelt belief that we all can take comfort in the fact that absolutely nothing was resolved in this high velocity probe of The Human Brain. I will continue my mission to violently probe the orifices of science, nature, and the universe.
~Matters
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